Not Again

Well, here goes. I have been putting this off because I just didn't know where or how to start. As you know everything was looking GREAT! We ended up staying the night in Indy since we had to be at the center at 7:00 am Thursday. And, went to bed with me saying, this may be the last night just the two of us. The only thing is right before we were getting ready to leave and just after we said our prayer together. My phone rings. I thought maybe they were calling to give us a different time. Nope. They were calling to say, NEITHER of our embryos made it through the thaw! WHAT?? My heart sank and I just started crying! I knew there was a chance of this happening but never did I think to BOTH of our embryos! We were soooo ready too!! At that time it felt like it wasn't real and we were going to wake up. But that was reality!

I am so heartbroken about this and really don't know what to think. There is always something that has to go wrong....I wish I knew why it ALWAYS happens so much to us. I am trying to get through this but I am taking it harder than I thought! I so wish I was giving good news on here but unfortunately I'm not! I will update a little more later....

Getting so close

I know I had left off talking about doing our FET in the beginning of March. Well, we will be doing it THURSDAY!!!! We are getting so excited! All of our preparing is becoming a reality again. We will have 2 little embryos in my belly hopefully settling in. It is such an amazing feeling. I don't even know how to explain it. It brings tears to my eyes.

I debated about doing accupuncture as we had talked about letting things "fall in place". But last week I called and went in. I figured since this may be our last FET/IVF it wouldn't hurt. The lady that did mine was wonderful. She even said, she could tell I had little stress. That was great to know because I thought I was staying pretty stress free but then I didn't know if that was just me telling myself that. Lol. I know this is the first time as long as we have been doing tests/treatments that I feel at ease. I know if we do not become pregnant I will be heartbroken.  But I will know we did what we could. We actually did more than I ever thought we would do. I truly thought we would be pregnant by now. We are not and infertility has been one of the hardest things I have dealt with. It makes life so much more precious though!!

To hopefully new beginnings this week:)

Preparing For Our FET

We have had some set backs and are doing our FET later than expected but we are thankful to be doing this! Preparing is always a long process and currently I am done with birth control and am taking estrace twice a day. I go back for another ultrasound in a little over a week to check on my ovaries and make sure they look okay. Then I will start taking Progesterone injections. Intramuscular!! I was fine doing SQ injections in my abdomen but IM injections I am a little less fond of. If it is what I need to do I will toughen up though.....I have to!! This time Jarod will have to give them to me so we will be paying a visit to YouTube before then to get him ready:) I think he is a little nervous about doing it but Dr. J said, I will have to do the injections for atleast 19 days. Oh boy!

If everything looks okay they plan on doing our FET sometime in March. I really do hope this will be our time! This transfer has so much meaning to it. I feel if we don't get pregnant I don't know if I will want to go through anymore treatments. I never knew when I would get to that point but I think I am there. It does scare me but I have my trust in God! Jarod has already been to that point for a while and has been so supportive in giving me my time. It took me longer and I feel that we have done all we could do and now the rest is up to HIM. One of the hardest things I have ever done is letting go.

I am just going to take this all in because I have no idea what the future holds. These next couple months will be some of the most important months in our life.

 

Thoughts

I know I talk about God's plan. I see families start and multiply more than once while we are still trying. I think of my "want". I get frustrated, heartbroken, try to stay patient, keep my faith, grow, get confused at times, have doubts and many more emotions! I always think of why we have so many set backs and if there is meaning to this. Over the past 3 years and 2 months of us trying we do think of adoption more. Are all these set backs preparing us?? This crosses my mind A LOT. I so badly want to carry a child....to have that feeling. I think most women would! It does scare me that this may never happen to me. I try so hard and am one that doesn't like giving up. For the ones out there that have adopted when did you know you were ready to take that leap? I still feel like trying a little longer but don't know how much longer I can take "trying" if you know what I mean. And thanks so much for the prayers and support!!!

Doubts

I debated about posting this but I am having doubts that I will get pregnant. As most know we took a break after we got a negative pregnancy test after our first IVF. We thought we would try a FET (frozen embryo transfer) the beginning of this year. Well, I waited for my period to start in December     ....and after 45 days I knew it wasn't going to start. And I knew I was NOT pregnant! I try not to stress about it but to be honest that is extremely hard!

 I knew that they had a protocol and if I was late that would push things back. I was suppose to take birth control after I started my period but instead they had me take Provera to start my period and jumped right into taking estrace to prepare for our FET.  I really wanted to take BC because I know it helps decrease the size of large cysts that they tend to find on my ovaries but I was ready to try again!!! Well, I had an u/s last week and guess what?? They seen a large cyst and had to cancel. I have been told "we have to cancel" more times than I ever wanted to hear. I have literally cried leaving the office pretty much everytime because once again they had to give me bad news. I see that look on their face that they hate to tell me the news but they always say, we will get you there! I am starting to have my doubts though! Is there a reason this keeps happening?! I question that all the time! 

For now I am taking BC and will have to go back to Indy for another u/s and we will see from there what we will do next. I always try to stay positive but it is just hard sometimes! I keep praying those two frozen embryos waiting on us will grow inside me! I just don't know if that is in God's plan though:(

Christmas 2012

Christmas has come and gone and it doesn't seem like it is already New Year's Eve! I LOVE Christmas time and always look forward to it. We had many family gatherings and probably ate way too much but I am going to cherish all the memories made! I have pictures from most of the family get togethers...still have one last party tomorrow night. 

Pre-Christmas party before Jarod's brother moved to Florida 

 These two are best buds!

Brothers

I didn't get everyone to look because we had too many cameras going off but I love Dre's face

These took forever to make but I loved them thinks to pinterest

Our Christmas card

Khloe was snooping like dad

She knows whats inside....this is the look she gives when she wants something. Her tail is moving like crazy. haha 

Nelson Christmas 

Second cousins

Some of the family

Family 

G-ma and her kids

Knepp Christmas

Katie loved the tissue paper/wrapping paper! I am a Katie hog but just love her to pieces!

Opening gifts

Ahhhh! I found this for Katie and she looked so cute in it:) 

Bother-in-law and sister-in-law

Chicken run smile

I buy an ornament in memory of Lindsey every Christmas and decided to make one this year. Burlap is really hard to work with (or I thought so) and it didn't turn out exactly how I wanted. But, it was the thought that counted. 

Miss you Lindsey

Once Khloe opened her bone she wanted nothing to do with her other present....she is trying to escape. lol

Jarod surprised me with a beautiful necklace this year! LOVE it but he totally caught me off guard! 

P.S- I know may hair is a mess but I didn't care:)

Jarod with his gifts. I always have to ship them to my parents because he snoops way to much.

This will be perfect for when we travel;) I am becoming more of a Vera fan every year.

Christmas morning

I LOVE him more than words can describe! 

And.......the blizzard that came the day after Christmas. Feels like I am in a postcard! 

I hope everyone else had a MERRY CHRISTMAS and remember the true meaning of Christmas.

HAVE A HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!

Maybe 2013 will be the year God will give us a miracle. I know I HOPE so because this Christmas felt like we were missing something.  

Khloe turns 5

Yesterday Khloe turned FIVE or 35 in dog years! I can't believe we have had her almost 5 years! Don't know what I would do without her. She is one of the sweetest dogs, playful, loves to go on walks, drives, snuggle and can be timid at times but I think that goes with her breed. She also loves to play ball....I really think she dreams about her ball. lol. She can play for HOURS!

I remember the day when we went to pick her up after finding her on the internet. We couldn't decide on naming her Lexie, Kenya or Khloe. Well, when we seen her we just knew she was a Khloe:) 

For her Birthday we took her on a car ride and picked up a McD's ice-cream cone. The first time she had ice-cream and she loved it! I have some pictures of when she was a puppy and a couple others over the years.  

She is still cute but was one of the cutest puppies!

She was so tiny!

The older she gets the darker she gets. You can hardly see her spots anymore:(

On the drive looking at Christmas lights!

Oh yeah!

And one last one of our niece. I just LOVE her!