Trying to stay positive

So after missing for a while......I am back! I wanted to update on some news I received this week. After hearing the news in August that we couldn't go through with an IUI and after having "weird" periods in September and October I was starting to wonder what was going to happen. I did know that if I was going to have another one day period or not I was going to see Dr. J. We decided last month that I was not going to take any medications and we were going to see what happened this month on my own. Especially since the last two months my body didn't adjust to the medications very well. Which were birth control and Provera.

Well, I had my period last week and had an ultrasound this week to see what my ovaries looked like. I was so scared when they did the ultrasound b/c in my head I wanted to see but then I didn't because I was scared I was going to get bad news. I actually had it in my head that I was going to have another large cyst. I can't help it and I am a little scared of getting excited b/c fear of getting let down. The nurse was even going medications before we did the ultrasound and all I was thinking in my head is, lets just see if I can even start taking these. To my surprise there were NO large cysts (just a couple small one's because of my PCOS)!! I couldn't believe it! Once I got in my car I just had tears because I couldn't believe it. This is the closest we have come to actually doing an IUI! I still get teary eyed/cry thinking about it.

Okay....I am going to pause for a minute. I saved this post this week when I wasn't quit finished and figured I would just update after this saturday (yesterday). Little did I know I would get some unexpecting news saturday.

Jarod and I had to wake up early on saturday (6:00 am) to have a follow up u/s to see how my ovaries/follicles were doing after taking meds and injections to prep me for our very first IUI! We were both tired but excited to see what was going on....ready to just do this!!!! However, when the nurse did my u/s I knew she wasn't happy to see what was on the screen the minute she seen ALL my follicles. I had 5/6 on the right and 4/5 on the left. I did have a couple larger follicles which is good b/c they are the one's that mature and what turn into an eggy's. But she didn't like how I had soo many! She said, usually this what we see when we are getting women ready for IVF. What?? We don't know how many of those follicles will form into eggs and that can be dangerous. I could be like ocotomom.....umm don't want that! I know with an IUI your egg(s) release and and they inject the sperm and wait on mother nature. However, you don't want too many eggs. I think you get my point.haha

I just wanted to start crying when she was going over all this with me. She was trying to reassure me and that just wasn't helping. I know she was being nice and was like you are still young you have plenty of time. BUT when you are ready you are ready no matter if I am 26 or 36! It is hard no matter what! I wish I could have talked to the doctor but was unable to b/c it was a saturday and he wasn't in. I had to get a call after she spoke with Dr. J to let me know they were cancelling our IUI procedure for this week! All I could think about  is what if it takes us another couple months to get this point. We got so close and BAM it was all taken away!  

I just pray that this will only help us for out next IUI procedure and hope that my body doesn't get too excited with these meds and go crazy making a ton of follicles. I keep telling myself this will help us the next time! I only pray it does! I just feel awful!!!! I know I don't want the risk of having triplets or more though!! I just hate dropping everything like this! Dr. J will call me monday and I am curious to what all he has to say. I am almost tempted to ask him if we can do another u/s to see how many of my follies are maturing even more. I know I don't give up easy! I am trying to hang in there and am doing a little better after yesterday. I was trying not to cry yesterday and held it in pretty good until last night and could't stop crying. I know when I cry it makes Jarod feel bad and I don't want him to get even more down b/c of me. He has always helped me stay stronger during this all and ALWAYS makes me feel better. But sometimes I just need to cry in his arms and let him comfort me. If you know what I mean.  I don't know what I would do without him!!!!!  The song by Blake Shelton, 'God Gave Me You' is how I feel about Jarod. LOVE that song!!! One day will be our day:) One day all these ups and downs will be worth it.